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fitness time

2012-01-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

ok so i read the study the other day that says if you are starting a new fitness routine, & want to keep it up & actually lose weight, that you shouldn't tell anyone. this way you won't get frustrated if (or in my case, when) you plateau & stop losing weight. personally i don't think that i would matter that much in my case. I'm still going to get frustrated when i plateau & the fact that no one else knows my predicament isn't going to change that.

I also read that you are 75% more likely to accomplish your goals if you write them down. So i've been writing down a lot of my goals lately. Today i've been working on fitness goals, i have been thinking about these for quite awhile (i started my weight loss journey back in July) but i hadn't written any of them down so i did just that.

my biggest reason for wanting to be fit

to be a role model for R
to get to a healthy weight
because at a healthy weight there will be less stress on my joints, which means less pain!

I hit a plateau in my weight loss journey because all of the high impact exercise i was doing was causing me serious pain, & i was afraid that it was doing serious damage. so i took a 3 month hiatus from working on losing weight. I made sure that i was still eating well so that i didn't put any of the 17lbs i had lost back on, but i didn't push myself to lose weight either.

For Christmas i bought myself one of these beauties:

It's a Schwinn 420 & i really like it. I don't love it, but that is only because i didn't spend the extra $500 to get the model that has an adjustable stride. Honestly my only complaint about this thing is that it's WAY too tall for me. the stride length is fine, but i can barely reach the arms (i find that you get a better tummy workout if you don't use them so i'm not super mad about it); & it has a book rack on the top, which is pointless for me to use because it's a good half foot above my eyes.

This for me is the key to getting back on the weight loss train, no impact! Not surprisingly i am horribly out of shape. The first time i got on it i lasted a whole 10 mins.....& when i was done i thought i was going to die. My legs were burning, my lungs were burning; i thought for sure that my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. it's been a couple of days & i've made it to the 20 min mark (Yeah! Go me!!). Today i did 15 min & had to get off cuz R decided that she was in fact NOT going to nap, but i got back on a couple of hours later & did another 15 mins. I can already feel my muscles changing & i can do 20 mins without feeling like i'm going to die; i actually am starting to enjoy being on the thing.

my knees were not happy with me today, but i decided that if i didn't work out every time one of my joints hurt that i would fall back into the rut of not working out. so i got on Amazon & found the MTV Yoga DVD for $3!! They also had the Power Yoga & a Pilates Mix so i bought all 3 for under $10 (plus like 7 bucks for shipping with is a total rip off). I am so excited for these to get here! So now the next time my knees won't go for the Elliptical (i got on it today & powered through, but i think i might be paying for it later), i can pull out the Yoga, & since i know i LOVE it i will stick with it.

Another hurdle for me is that i am a total snacker. i'd be ok if i never ate a full meal & just snacked all day long. with the Hubbies new schedule, if i wait for him to cook, we don't eat our big meal until around 6:30p. Now for the last year we've been eating our big meal around 2, & i can honestly say that if i eat a big meal in the middle of the day that i really don't have that much of a problem not snacking.....not so much if i have to wait until the very end of my day to eat it. i feel bad cooking & eating while he's asleep just so that i can eat my big meal in the middle of the day. it means that he has to reheat his portion, & we have a continuous battle about cooking duty & dish duty so inevitably an argument will ensue at some point.

so i have to go back to my goals. i'm really glad that i wrote them down & i think i'm going to make up some motivational posters & put them around my house to help me curb the snacking.

I also browsed Pinterest for some fitness motivation & found some other good reasons to be fit.

To treat your body how it should be treated.
to Respect your body
to have the discipline to not give up
to move freely
to be comfortable in my own skin
to have beauty, brains & brawn
because strength is the result of struggle
because this should be your prime
to see the changes in my body
to see progress, not imperfections
because all the excuses have already been used
because nothing feels as satisfying as sore muscles
to know that if it came down to it i could knock you out

& maybe most important

to outrun the Zombies.

Cleaning & Money Savings!

2011-12-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

So as i've said before i have really been working on trying to save money. I think my biggest problem is that i'm really not a fan of generic brands, i like specific brands; i think that name brands work better (most of the time) plus they are what i'm used to & they are convenient.

I've tried to switch to natural & generic brands but i always end up going back to my tried & true faves; which results in a lot of wasted cleaners. I am determined to turn over a new leaf this year though, just as soon as i use up the cleaners that i already have.

Almost every blog i've read praises the use of Vinegar in cleaning. This site gives some recipes for making homemade cleaners, most of the blogs i've read list the same ones. I have also used a Hydrogen Peroxide & Baking Soda mixture (1/2 cup of HP with 2T of BS); i used it to clean out my hubby's stainless steel Thermos (it was nasty! one cleaning with this & it was awesome, 2 cleanings it was positively gleaming).

The hydrogen peroxide works like an antibacterial solution. I also use it on my wooden cutting board, along with mineral oil to keep it full of moisture, & lemon juice to deodorize. You can also put some lemon juice down with some salt to draw out smells, just be sure that you use the mineral oil after so that your board doesn't crack.

One of the things i did do was switch to reusable cloth pads for my swiffer. i fully plan on switching to the new Libman Freedom Spray Mop (but at $19.99 i'm going to wait until i get a coupon for it since i really don't NEED it at the moment since i've developed a system that works for now). The Libman's cloth mops fit with the Swiffer WetJet so for the moment i'm just holding onto my bottle of Pledge instead of buying the Swiffer Floor cleaner.

This blog spells out some of the savings, though she is using the Rubbermaid mop which is more expensive. I prefer Libman products, if for no other reason than that they are green in color not red....plus cheaper in this case is just as good, if not better.

*side note: i stopped using Swiffer products a long time ago. they honestly don't clean that well (granted i am a bit OCD so my standards are a bit high), & the warnings on the back of the bottles made me stop using them.

i also purchased a new Dyson vacuum, my biggest reason was that almost everyone i know either has one or wants one. They had a huge Black Friday sale so i snagged one for $120 off. Some of the things that i found out about them also make this an awesome purchase. You don't have to buy replacement filters, you can just wash them monthly (i'm sure eventually i'll have to replace them but not for a while). So far this vacuum is super easy to clean out, this blog details how to clean one (plus she has lots of other AWESOME cleaning tips); it seems really simple. I also love that it has a button to turn off the brushes so i can use it to vacuum my tile floors without the little pebbles my dog brings in hitting my feet! if you don't have one i would definitely suggest getting a Dyson.

One of the blogs i read suggested doing all of your dishes by hand. Now i get it, this will save you money & save water but i'm going to get really serious with you i like that my dishwasher not only cleans but sanitizes my dishes; so i'm going to stick with my dishwasher.

i do, however, wash all of my daughters sippy cups & snack cups by hand. dishwashers really don't get the spouts & straws clean enough for me. plus the extreme heat from the dishwasher can prematurely wear out the silicon, which could mean spending more money in the long run replacing those parts.

Saving Money: Meal Planning

2011-11-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to find ways to save more money. We live within our means, but there is little to no room in our budget for paying off debt (we make minimum payments, but they don't make much of a dent). I throw all the extra money we get at our debt but it's going to take us years to get it paid off at this point....hence me trying to find ways to save money. One of the ways that i've found is meal planning.

I was very skeptical about meal planning as a legitimate way of saving money, but i honestly do save $50-$60 a week, just by making a meal plan.

Some of the other benefits are:

We eat better! One of the first things i noticed was that i hardly venture into the middle of the store. I buy ethnic food, tortillas & cereal in the middle of the store & that's almost it. I buy a lot less processed food, which means we eat a lot less processed food. We eat actual meals that are healthy.
i buy a lot less food. I'm not wandering down every aisle buying food; hoping that it will all fit together in a meal once i get home. i know exactly what i want & where it is.
It reduces the need for random trips to the store. I make one big trip every week & that's it. I personally am not one of those ppl who can buy just one thing when i go to the store so only going once a week saves me money.

There are definitly ways that i can improve my meal planning skills & save more money.

Base my plans on a stores weekly sales ad. If i buy the food when it's on sale it will save me more money.
Use my coupons in conjunction with sales. I'm not an extreme couponer (though the idea does intrigue me, if i had enough space for a stockpile i'd so get on that bandwagon). I save money by using coupons, but i'd save even more if i bought an item on sale & used a coupon on top of the sale price.
buy bulk meats & freeze them. This is a long term goal for us. We don't have enough room in our freezer for more than a couple pounds of meat & veggies. Once we get a freezer for the garage i'll totally buy some Zycon meats & start saving!

I hope that some of these ideas help you. Meal planning is one of those "chores" that i don't look forward to at all, but i know that i need to do it. i search lots of blogs & websites (i'm totally obsessed with this one.) for recipes. Some other helpful hints are here. Some meal planning templates are here & here.

Vaccines

2011-11-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

*Warning if you are against vaccinating your children this post will prbly offend you.

Let me start this by saying that i fully believe that every parent has the right to choose what is best for their child. No one should take that away, not the government or other family members, no one!!

that being said i have a serious dislike for parents who don't vaccinate their children...especially when their decision is based on information that is FALSE!! vaccinations are one of the most closely regulated medicines out there. they are highly scrutinized, & even more so in the past 10 years as parents have been complaining more about the side effects.

so lets get right to the big one, the MMR. In 1998 Dr. Wakefield et al, published a paper in the Lancet, a British Medical Journal, that stated that there was a persistent connection between the MMR & childhood Autism. What Dr. Wakefield didn't tell you was that he was a paid advisor to some families trying to sue the makers of the MMR vaccine. Another thing that he didn't tell you was the totally unethical treatment of the children in the study. If you'd like to read a little bit more about it go here.

Wakefield was stripped of his license, along with 2 other coauthors of the study....but not before the damage was done. It was 12 years before the paper was officially retracted. Even though the study could never be duplicated (which anyone who remembers basic science knows that if you can't duplicate the results then they are an anomaly & therefore most likely false), the myth still abounds today....with potentially catastrophic results.

To read about a new study on the potential cause of Autism go here.

This year the US & Canada are dealing with the worst Measles outbreaks since 1996 & 1989 respectfully. This is not only a risk for those who are unvaccinated but it puts the kids who are vaccinated in more risk as well.

Measles begins with fever followed by cough, runny nose, and conjunctivitis (“pink eye”). Infections of the middle ears, pneumonia, croup, and diarrhea are common complications. Measles encephalitis (an infection of the brain) occurs in 1 per 1,000 cases of natural measles, frequently resulting in permanent brain damage in the survivors. Approximately 5% of children (500 out of 10,000) with measles will develop pneumonia. In addition, 1 to 3 of every 1,000 children who get measles in the United States dies from the disease.

Death is more common in infants, in malnourished children, and among immunocompromised persons, including those with leukemia and HIV infection. (Taken from here).

For more information on the outbreak go here.

My daughter is in more risk of getting the Measles because there are so many kids around her that are unvaccinated. The MMR is 95% effective, which was considered awesome when the diseases it protected against weren't around in the US....that is no longer the case. R has a higher risk of being exposed to MMR diseases & therefore to getting those diseases....did you see that 1 to 3 of every 1000 children who get the disease die?? that's not a huge number & it scares me.

Now as i said in the beginning, i support your right to choose....but please do the work, research fully & then decide based on the real facts....it's not just your kids you are putting at risk.

sometimes

2011-11-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

there are times, usually at night, when i just feel empty. like the world around me makes no sense, like the redundancy of my life is meaningless, & like the better things will always remain just out of reach.

it's just because my house isn't clean & my OCD hates it, but my body is too tired to bend down & pick up everyone else's shit.

it's windy here tonight, stirring up all the bullshit, & hopefully the rain will wash it far away.

I want to be a Dragon Mom

2011-10-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

If you click the title of this post it will take you to a NY Times article. This article made me absolutely sob, with my toddler staring at me like I was crazy. If you have kids you will find it hard to read, & if you don't then i would honestly question whether or not you should be a parent.

My hubs & i decided not to run any of the tests that would indicate if our child had some sort of disease. We knew that it wouldn't matter. That the baby growing inside of me was created just for us & that we would be given strength enough to raise it. I flat out refused to think about it during my pregnancy. We would cross that bridge when we came to it. After reading this article i am even more thankful that the bridge of birth defects & genetic mutations never came for us to cross.

if i were in the shoes of the couple in the article i don't know that i would survive it. to raise a child that you are certain that you will have to out live would be heart wrenching. to wake up every morning & care for & love that child more than anything, to give her everything you have knowing that it is all going to end long before it should.

i love my daughter, more than anything, more than i thought was possible. i can hardly resist when she brings me her box of blocks & sits on the rug waiting for me to come play. even when she is throwing a full body tantrum, screaming at the top of her lungs & throwing things with a force that shouldn't be possible from someone so small, i still wouldn't ask for anything to be different. sure she can be annoying, (what toddler isn't?) but even through those emotions i recognize one & that is love. a love so big that it shouldn't fit in my heart.

I am a pretty laid back mom, especially for a first time mom, i really don't fret...until it's bedtime. when she's tucked away safely in her room, away from me. then i start to fret about her. she sleeps with like 4 blankets & 3 pillows & trust me if she would sleep without them they would not be in there but she won't so they stay. i have a video monitor that i am eternally thankful for. i wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because she hasn't made any noise (because heaven forbid that she sleep soundly all night long)....how much more would i freak out if i knew that there was a real possibility that i would wake up in the middle of the night only to find that my baby was gone (i can't bear to think the D word)?

i read this piece a week ago & i am still thinking about it. looking around my everyday life for ways that i can be a Dragon Mom. Even as my little one pulls everything off the bottom 2 shelves of all our bookcases.

the joys of parenting a toddler

2011-10-22T11:26:00.001-07:00

I took R in for her 15 month checkup this past week. I'll admit that i was a bit worried about this check up. I've been reading about the developmental milestones that she should have met by now & she's behind in language development. Now i know that all kids develop at a different rate, & R is srsly one of the smartest kids i know, but she doesn't mimic, at all. In fact trying to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do is almost impossible. So when our Dr told me that i needed to work with her on naming pictures in books, & more importantly pointing to them, i was worried. I have to take her back in a month & she is supposed to have made significant improvements.

How do you teach a child do something when she won't mimic you, copy you....or really even let you show her how to do something? I'm at a loss.

I've spent the last couple of days grabbing her picture books throughout the day, pointing to & naming the object in the picture. Sometimes she looks at what i'm doing, sometimes she doesn't; most of the time she grabs the book from me & takes it off on her own.

It's not that she doesn't talk, she just doesn't say real words; she spends most of the day talking gibberish. If she could speak in real words i'm sure she'd be telling us a great story, & in her mind she is.

I know that she's smart. I've never seen a kid work so hard to figure things out. I watched her last night as she figured out how to open the cabinets that have the baby locks on them. She figured out that if she reaches in & pulls the lock down the cabinet opens.....& now she has access to all of the dangerous items that i was trying to keep from her. She opens & closes doors (mostly closes). Her blocks are her favorite toys; she loves stacking them & pulling them apart & putting them back together again.....she just won't say real words.

I don't know, is it bad that i'm more worried about what the Dr will say if R doesn't learn to point & say some words than if she actually learns to point & talk in the next month? I know my kid & when she wants to talk i'm afraid it will be in full phrases & not just one word at a time. i guess we'll see what the next month brings.

i suppose i should update this thing....

2011-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

maybe someday i'll get better at updating this....though prbly not. quite a bit has happened in the last 3 (almost 4) months. R is now walking, & occasionally saying the words that we say. thank goodness she hasn't repeated any of the bad ones! she is becoming more & more independent & yet she is still clingy at the same time, it all just depends on her mood i guess. she is the cutest little girl in the whole wide world....though i am a bit biased! She changes every day, sometimes in small ways & sometimes it shocks me how much she changes. my whole world pretty much revolves around her.

i did get some (sort of) good news in the past 2 months. i found out that i have celiac disease, or at the very least a gluten intolerance. my doctor told me that it was likely the cause of some, if not all, of my joint pain....& sure enough she was right. I've been eating gluten free for just about 2 months now & my joints feel significantly better. they still get tired, but not as quickly; & the rest of my joints still hurt on & off but it's so much better than before. it's nice that when i feed R, which can take quite a while since she is a little pickle, my hands don't cramp up on me. it's not 100% but i'll take it. i've been reading & it looks like the rest of the pain might not go away because the damage has already been done. i can honestly say that i have no hard feelings about this, some relief is better than none. just wish that someone would have thought about this before now.

summer is upon us here in Phoenix! & it is already HOT! i personally don't mind it, though i will admit that i no longer LOVE the heat, but i'm convinced that it is simply because i have a baby that i need to keep cool. we've been to the pool a couple of times & i think it will be a regular event this summer. R loves the water & she is just so stinking cute floating in her ladybug floater, wearing her giraffe print swimsuit. we are both sporting a tan already & i'm looking forward to it getting deeper.

we have plans to go to Utah, though we have to leave my awesome hubby her (& over his first Father's Day as well). i'm looking forward to, no really i'm ecstatic, about spending 2 weeks with my family! we come home & the next day the in law family comes & that will be awesome swimming in the pool at their rental & exploring AZ with them.

ok i think i have touched on all of the major topics, which makes this a decent update. maybe once my computer is fixed i'll get in the habit of posting more often.

time....

2011-02-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

gosh i need to get better at writing on this!! it's been a CRAZY month (& then some). So much has happened that my hands will give out before i finish writing about it. so i'm not going to, if you want to know find me on FB, i constantly update that one!

the thing i've been thinking about tonight (while R is sleeping & i could be too), is change. I know it's a topic that i've talked about before, & i'm sure i'll talk about again. I'm typically ok with it, especially when it's for the best, or better. i have a 7 month old, so everyday of my life involves change. Just when i think i've figured out her routine she changes it on me. she's hit quite a few milestones this past month. she's crawling, & responding to her own name, pulling herself up on EVERYTHING! Drinking out of sippy cups instead of bottles (though she will only take the sippy cups with silicon spouts, she screams bloody murder when i give her the hard kind). she'll sleep though the night for a few days in a row & then she'll wake up every 3 hours for a few nights.

R isn't the only change factor in our home. this afternoon we surrendered our loved Dozer. He is really sick....see we made the decision to live frugally this year, to in fact be flat out cheap. to try & be honest about how much money we have in the bank & not live beyond that. to cut out excess in order to pay down debt.....& the fact of the matter was that though we love Dozer with our whole hearts, we simply cannot afford to help him get better. if we can't afford it then we shouldn't have it. so our baby boy is gone. it's for the bestest, he wasn't getting any better here with us, in fact he was getting worse. still it's this kind of change that i'm not so keen on. sure it's the best thing we can do for him....but there's this little hole in my heart that was his....& i know it may seem stupid, he is just a dog after all....but he was my puppy. i went & got him when he was 8 weeks old & he held onto me with all his might. he used to sit on my lap & play (Prbly still would if i'd have let him), he used to sing with me. i'm sad that he is gone, even if it is better for him.

some things

2010-12-28T17:17:00.000-08:00

i like routine, but change is good every once in a while....to put yourself out there. to remind yourself that you are real & that life isn't just mundane (there IS more to life than taking care of a baby 24/7). life is full of possibility but that requires putting yourself out there.

today however i am more than thankful for my routine & my seemingly mundaneness....right at this moment my daughter is sleeping. she wouldn't fall asleep until she was cuddled up next to me, binky in mouth, blanket over face. even though i'm hungry & thirsty (& can't help either of those things for fear of her waking up) i'm content to just sit here for a little while longer. listening to the steady in & out of her breath, praying that i remember to savor these moments knowing that all too soon they will vanish with her coming of age. this is happiness, or as my mom would say: this is my very own fairy tale coming true.

this little piggy went all the way home

2010-12-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

After two vacations in 4 weeks we're finally home for good! even though my house is a mess (well mostly just my bedroom-it honestly looks like a tornado ran through it) it feels so good to be here! we had so much fun visiting our families & letting everyone meet our little R. i'm looking forward to just settling back into the routine of our life.....that's of course after cleaning my house & doing the two or 3 loads of laundry i have left (ty mom for doing the rest of it!!).

I have to admit though, i did have a hard time leaving my family. I totally cried as i drove away from my parents house with Daddy standing in the driveway. i feel like i hardly ever get to see them & i hate leaving. i managed not to cry when my mom dropped us off at the airport....even as R & i were in the security line walking away....it wasn't until later when i got home that i cried, srsly we knew it was only a matter or time before the floodgates opened.

totally random side note-i'm watching Horton Hears A Who as i write this...it's at the very end where they tie Horton up & no one will listen to him or believe that the Who's are there. it gets me every time. the symbolism, & humanities tendency toward group think.....& then comes the part where Horton just forgives the Kangaroo...i'm not sure i'd be that nice. love it.....now for some time with the family.

something old....

2010-12-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

We're in Utah this week & it's been full of something olds. we pulled out all of mine & my sister's old baby dresses. then we pulled out all of the old photos so we could see us in said dresses (& compare R to our pics & see who she looks the most like-btw she looks like my sister). It's crazy to see us as kids, to see the awkwardness as we grew in & out of it. better still to see the outfits that we wore, some were completely ridiculous & some i srsly wish i still had.

my papa drove up from St. George to meet R for the first time. I haven't seen him in quite a few years & boy did he look different. I mean i know that as we age we look different but i didn't expect it to quite such a degree. It was still good to see him though, & to watch him with my daughter. I think the best part of any visit with Papa are the stories. This time he told me about how he cleaned out his lint pipe behind the dryer. He pulled out the dryer from the wall, took a leaf blower & stuck it in the pipe; turned it on & watched the lint fly. according to him the entire pipe must have been full with as much lint as he had to pick up off the bushes outside.

I think the best part of this week is the break that i get from R. I love her more than ANYTHING! srsly though sometimes i really just need a break. the constant routine of make a bottle, feed R, change the diaper, put to sleep, feed, change, sleep, play, feed, play, change, feed....& on & on it goes. it's nice to not have to make every bottle, or mix every bowl of food. Now if R would just sleep as well away from home as she does at home it would be perfect!

i love that coming to Utah also means seeing a lot of ppl who still love me even though i haven't lived here in years, & only see them once or twice a year! it is strange to come with my little one & have her acknowledged before me...but thus is the way it goes with a baby. i always feel spoiled when i come here & so loved. it's the best.

the only thing left for this week is to play The Farming Game....& hope that my dad doesn't dominate us all like normal.

the adventure of a lifetime....

2010-12-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

i drastically underestimated just how much being a mom would change my ENTIRE life.

the first month i was just simply tired. up every couple of hours to feed the little one & try to work the gas out ( i have a VERY gassy baby). Honestly other than internal distress R is a very mellow baby. By 6 weeks she was only getting up once during the night, around the 3 o'clock hour. At 8 weeks she slept through the night, though the last 4 hours of the night are usually spent with me. she'll be 5 months old on Monday....gosh how the time has flown by! she's eating baby food, 3 jars a day, & learning how to move....she's figured out that she can roll over to get the things that she wants which means i can't leave her on the bed anymore. she can almost sit up on her own & if she had any balance at all she'd be able to stand up all by herself. she's starting to sleep in her crib all night long!

i think the thing that has surprised me the most is how much time i want to spend with her. I thought that i'd get sick of her & want to be away from her for hours at a time....but i don't. i go to the store & leave her with her daddy & by the time i get back i can't wait to hold her & play with her. sure there are moments when i need a break, especially if she's grumpy, but honestly 20 mins away & i'm good to go. i mean i quit my job to spend more time with her, & i worked from home! i didn't expect that. i expected to love her more than anything else, more than i ever thought possible, truthfully i loved her like that when she was inside me. i expected the momma bear to come out & be super protective....but a complete change in how i want to spend my time. totally didn't see that one coming.

woot woot! Christmas cards are ordered!!

2010-10-26T11:07:00.001-07:00

Holly Chocolate Christmas

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Can I be done yet??

2010-06-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

the hubby set up the bassinet yesterday. i went & bought the stroller today & had the girl at babierus set it up. the newborn clothes are washed and folded and all ready for her to wear them. her diaper bag is well on it's way to being packed. my suitcase is packed. i'm having contractions but i'm not in labor. the dogs are acting weird, like they do when i'm sick; & A's sure that they can tell when stuff is going to happen....he's giving me no more than 2 weeks.

i wish that there was a way to make it all happen. i know that it can happen at any time at this point and i'm so excited! for the last couple of weeks it was just that i was so uncomfy that i was ready to be DONE! ...& now i'm REALLY ready to be done, but more than that i just really want to meet my baby girl. i've been feeling her move almost the entire pregnancy, she's moving as i type this. we can tell from the ultrasounds that she's stubborn & that she looks like her daddy. i want her to be in my arms. i honestly don't care if she's screaming and fussy, i just want her with me. i want to get to know her, and watch how her daddy interacts with her....i think this is what i'm most excited about, seeing A with her. he's so excited for her to be here.

so baby girl, it's time to come out! :)

Sing another for me....

2010-05-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday a dear friend of mine passed away. it doesn't matter that it wasn't entirely unexpected. nor does it help that i believe that where she is now is far better than where she was. she's up singing with the angels, and i know that she is so excited and happy to be there...and that she was so drained and weak while she was here....and no matter how many times i say all of these things i still miss her....i still find myself being selfish in my prayers: "why did You have to take her away? there were so many things that hadn't happened yet, she wasn't ready" ...and yet what i'm really saying is that I wasn't ready for her to be gone. she prayed for no more suffering and God granted her that wish...and i should be happy for that; it was what she wanted, and she'd said that all along. but i'm not happy about it. i wanted her to meet my daughter, the daughter that will bear her name. ...and even as i sit here i know that this is the ending that i will be happy to tell my daughter about. that she can know that God does answer prayer, that when you are at your weakest God is right there, providing your hearts desires...that He doesn't let His children suffer needlessly. Pearl praised Him in all of it, she praised Him for the cancer that took her from us...and that is a lesson that i want my daughter to know....and Pearl's story is a fantastic one that does nothing but bring glory to our God.

but i still miss her.

What is Death?

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without affect,

without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,

for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just around the corner.

All is well.

~ Henry Scott Holland

love and war

2010-02-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

my hubby and i have had our share of problems. we're both selfish and independent and we want things our way. there have been moments in which we've both thought about a life without each other. but ultimately there isn't anyone that i want to be with more. sure i could have a life with someone else...but there would still be problems to deal with. no one is perfect, including myself. i can not fathom how people can decide to throw out the life they have made with someone that they love just because of unhappiness, especially when children are involved. i'm having a hard time right now wrapping my head around decisions made by other people, decisions that are selfish and stupid...and then the behavior that is so childish that it makes me yell and cry. me...i'm going to choose love, and remember that it's a choice that i make everyday. to choose to love my husband and keep the promises i've made...forever.

Love Poem with Toast
by Miller Williams

Some of what we do, we do
to make things happen,
the alarm to wake us up, the coffee to perc,
the car to start.

The rest of what we do, we do
trying to keep something from doing something,
the skin from aging, the hoe from rusting,
the truth from getting out.

With yes and no like the poles of a battery
powering our passage through the days,
we move, as we call it, forward,
wanting to be wanted,
wanting not to lose the rain forest,
wanting the water to boil,
wanting not to have cancer,
wanting to be home by dark,
wanting not to run out of gas,

as each of us wants the other
watching at the end,
as both want not to leave the other alone,
as wanting to love beyond this meat and bone,
we gaze across breakfast and pretend.

carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by Sara Teasdale

I would live in your love
as the sea-grasses live in the sea,
Borne up by each wave as it passes,
drawn down by each wave that recedes;

I would empty my soul of the dreams
that have gathered in me,
I would beat with your heart as it beats,
I would follow your soul as it leads.
Without You
I woke up in the sun on Tuesday without you.
Dug my feet into the empty carpet without you.
Squinted without you.
Washed my face without you.
Cold cereal without you.
Clean shirt without you.
Fresh air without you.
Life without you.

I woke up in the sun on Tuesday without you,
and tried not to weep when
my hand, flung over the side of the bed,
did not meet yours.

9.26.06
c.l

I Would Live In Your Love

The Poem I Almost Did Not Write

by Laura P.

they hold lightbulbs high above their heads—
(they are the lovers, you know)
the glass is for how fragile, how intimately close
to dropping, dashing, smashing
against any surface, really, any one they choose,
and the light, of course, is the energy,
no matter which numbers and symbols
they use to measure its vigor,
but also (just below the surface, mind)
there is the intellectual tap dance
working to a frenzy all the thoughts they thought,
all the miles they paced and the daring adventures
love called them to in their minds
as they fell into each other’s arms
and let the lightbulbs shatter on the ground.

epiphany

2010-02-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

so being pregnant is really weird. at first it's just so surreal, like it's not really happening. i wasn't showing yet (honestly i'm 17 weeks and still barely showing) and the first few weeks i was tired but i wasn't sick yet. so most days i forgot. then the "morning" sickness came, or for me the "if it's after 3 i'm sick on the couch until tomorrow" sickness, and it was harder to forget. Even just today i was holding a 7 month old and as i was looking at him and enjoying the weight of him in my arms i freaked out a little. in 5 and a 1/2 months i'm going to have a baby of my own. i still can't believe it! we find out tomorrow if it's a boy or girl (we want a boy though we'll be happy with whatever, and i'm carrying really low so here's to hoping!!) and i finally picked out a color for the nursery...it's starting to be real, to sink in that soon it won't just be me and the hubs and our two dogs. we'll actually have a kid and i'll have to refer to our dogs as dogs and not "kiddos." can i just say again SO WEIRD! i was still having a hard time adjusting to being an adult let alone being totally responsible for a little person! good thing God's got me (us) all wrapped up in His arms.

words and poetry

2010-02-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

so i've really been into words lately...it seems that everywhere i turn someone is saying something that totally speaks to me. sometimes i just love the idea behind what's being said, and sometimes i just don't understand it and want to figure it out. i've always loved quotes (as if the rest of my posts haven't filled you in on that fun fact) but i couldn't ever seem to get into poetry. i think i just wasn't as open to it, to let the words flow over me and speak to my very soul. to see the imagery and the symbolism...but i'm getting better at understanding it, and honestly i'm really in love with poetry. the following poem is wonderful. more later...

What Was Told, That
by Jalalu'l-din Rumi
translated by Coleman Barks

What was said to the rose that made it open was said
to me here in my chest.

What was told the cypress that made it strong
and straight, what was

whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made
sugarcane sweet, whatever

was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in
Turkestan that makes them

so handsome, whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush
like a human face, that is

being said to me now. I blush. Whatever put eloquence in
language, that's happening here.

The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,
chewing a piece of sugarcane,

in love with the one to whom every that belongs!

2009-11-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christmas that makes everyone seem so much happier? i know that myself i'm more likely to smile at everything from Nov through Jan. All i have to do is look at my tree or turn on the Christmas music and i feel better...even when i'm stressed and tired and ready to be done with this whole moving thing. So below i've included some of my favorite Christmas sayings...

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Ella Fitzgerald

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Agnes M Pharo

What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.

Christmas Fancies by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow,
We hear sweet voices ringing from lands of long ago,
And etched on vacant places
Are half-forgotten faces
Of friends we used to cherish, and loves we used to know.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet the words repeat,
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had roll'd along th' unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bow'd my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

'Til ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

Christmas time

2009-11-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

so i'm one of those people that love the fact that Christmas decorations went up before Halloween was ever over. i do my best to put off listening to Christmas music until Nov...with only one or two songs being played in Oct...but Come Nov 1 the Christmas music is blaring in my radio, i'm constantly humming it. if i weren't in the middle of moving my Tree would be up by now and my house trimmed with lights and pine smell.

a few years ago James Taylor finally released a Christmas album!! it's one of my top 3 Christmas albums, i'm totally in love with song #11. In the Bleak Midwinter.

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;

Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,

In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;

Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.

In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed

The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Enough for Him, Whom cherubim, worship night and day,

Breastful of milk, and a mangerful of hay;

Enough for Him, Whom angels fall before,

The ox and ass and camel which adore.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there,

Cherubim and Seraphim thronged the air;

But His mother only, in her maiden bliss,

Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

You know how you can hear a song a thousand times and never really hear the words. Well I was driving home from Scottsdale this week and this particular phrase jumped out at me.

Our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;

Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.

I have a thing for how BIG God is, i tattooed Isaiah 40 on my wrist because it's full of imagery of how HUGE and powerful he is. I need to remind myself of His immensity because it makes all my struggles seem so small. then you get to the end of the song "What then can I give Him? I can give him my heart" it's all He wants...my heart. seems like such a small gesture. how hard is it to give Him my heart? He's so worthy, and he never lets me down. compared to Him nothing is daunting....I've given Him my heart~now if i could just remember that He always takes care of me...how easily i forget...

i'll ring my bells...

2009-10-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

Anthem by Leonard Cohen

The birds they sang

at the break of day

Start again

I heard them say

Don't dwell on what

has passed away

or what is yet to be.

Ah the wars they will

be fought again

the holy dove

she will be caught again

bought and sold

and bought again

the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring

forget your perfect offering

there's a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in.

we asked for signs

the signs were sent:

the bird betrayed

the marriage spent

yeah the widowhood

of every government--

signs for all to see.

i can't run no more

with that lawless crowd

while the killers in high places

say their prayers out loud.

but they've summoned, they've summoned up

a thundercloud

and they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring...

you can add up the parts

but you won't have the sum

you can strike up the march,

there is no drum

Every heart, every heart

to love will come

but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring

forget your perfect offering

there's a crack, a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring

forget your perfect offereing

there's a crack, a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in.

that's how the light gets in.

that's how the light gets in.

I love this poem...it speaks to my heart.

2009-09-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

mountain moving....over the next 6 weeks my church family and i are embarking on a journey to allow God to move the mountains in our lives....i'm very excited to see God move, to see all the amazing and miraculous things that He's going to do....and i'm also skeptical. not of God, but of my own faith. I've been looking at my mountain for 6 years. every time it seems that God has provided a path around, over, under, or even through it's turned out to be a different mountain, a mountain that wasn't taken away but added, a new struggle to deal with.

my struggle is what does it really mean to let go and let God move my mountain? my goal for many months now has simply been to be ok with whatever happens. whether my pain can be treated, healed, or simply something i have to deal with; i just want to be ok. to give it to God and rest in the fact that He has me in His hand. that He never gives me more than i can handle and that there is a reason for everything, even if i don't know it. i'm still not to the point where i can say that i've done this...my hands have hurt like hell this past week; it was hard to eat dinner most nights because i couldn't grip my freaking fork. i don't want to hope anymore that God will heal me. it hurts too much when He doesn't.

i admit that my faith in this matter isn't all that strong, there's no reason to be found for why they hurt in the first place....only more reasons for other things to hurt. i'd like to say that i've gotten used to the pain, and though it is familiar to me i don't think there's any getting used to it. even as i type out these pathetic words it takes everything in me to make these fingers move, all the while hoping that when they do move that they move the way i want them to. my mountain feels like Everest, the tallest thing around, at least for me. Perspectively i know that my mountain is really quite small, it's not cancer, it's not going to kill me. it's just irksome.....i really just feel like it's the one thing that God put in my life to force me to Him, to push me to rely on Him. my realization that i can't do anything myself. i don't have the faith yet to let God move this mountain. i just know that i don't want to look at it anymore...

"For every mountain there is a miracle." -Robert H. Shuller

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." -Marcus Aurelius

When faced with a mountain, i will not quit! I will keep striving until I climb over, find a pass through, tunnel underneath or simply stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine, with God's help." -Robert Half

thank you always comes late...

2009-09-23T18:38:00.001-07:00

I've heard this song a thousand times, my dad and i did this song as a special at our church...but for some reason it really hit me this week. probably because this week and last have made me pause. we are buying a house, as i talked about in my last post...the bank accepted the offer and things are moving quickly, which is awesome...until i realized that i never really thanked God for it. Not really anyway...i said thank you; but it was because i asked Him for this blessing.

don't get me wrong i don't think there's anything wrong with thanking God for the blessings you've asked for and received...but it shouldn't take blessings to say thank you. I should thank Him all the time for the promises He's kept, for His death, for His mercy and grace, for the promises He will keep, and for the many things He does for me on a daily basis!

i'm going to say thanks, i'm going to look past the "things that cause me pain" and see that even for those i need to thank Him, for those are the things that pull me to Him. To not question (as much because i'm pretty sure it's physically and mentally impossible for me to not question) and just rest in that there is a reason even if i don't know it. God is good, He's always taken care of me, how easily i forget...

There Is A Reason by Alison Krauss and Union Station

Click on the Title to go to Amazon to hear this song...

I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all

I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sin
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all

In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all

home buying is not for the weak...

2009-09-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all life really means. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Though the circular round-and-round of routine be the bulk of life's affairs, make an occasional jutting diversion - of fun, love, or something that will outlast you - so the shape and motion of your life shall resemble the round lifegiving sun with bright rays shining forth from all directions. ~Destin Figuier

______________________________________

I thought that buying a new house would be fun! Going around and looking at all the pretty houses, picking out which one i wanted to live in...silly, little me!! The majority of the houses that we've looked at are run down...it amazes me at how dirty people are!!! the one house that we looked at today was sooo gross!! i felt like i needed to take a bath and get shots!

i expected to paint, and maybe replace some flooring and possibly patching some ceilings (like we'll have to do if we get one of the houses we bid on)...but most of these houses we'd have to paint all the walls and ceilings...replace most if not all of the flooring and i'm willing to bet that it would still smell bad.

the longer it takes for us to get a house, the more horrible this whole things seems. i've filled out the same paperwork 4 times! I'm having to fax the same things every week....it's all so tedious. We go to all these houses and some are really nice, and i really would love to have them but it's up to a bank...oh man...

i will be so happy at the close of escrow when i can finally sleep all night without waking up worrying about what's next, which house God will let us have....i'm going to work on not worrying. God's got this...

more from pastor tim...

2009-08-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

"Work hard to make money, make money to enjoy life, but have no time to enjoy life because you are too busy making money...it seems that the great American dream is a nightmare. we all spend our entire existence just existing. we work so hard to have it all, only to be left with nothing wondering what happened. we search desperatly to find that one moment when we lost the dream. only when it's too late do we discover that the dream wasn't lost in a day; it was lost in the seemingly insignificant choices made over the course of a lifetime...the short cuts and free lunches have landed us a dead end. the words ill spoken, the intentional pain inflicted the mental games we all play lull us into apathy. it's tough to live a dream when society is selling you a piece of pie. i am so sick of pie!" -Tim Secord, Rants and Ramblings

i don't like pie...but i do fall for the gimmick of the 'american dream.' a nice big house, a dog (2 for me), maybe a kid or two, nice cars, good jobs...i know there's more to life but i feel like those are the big ones. Like if i can accomplish those i will have lived a full life. i completely look over the part where i have to enjoy all those accomplishments...to share those accomplishments.

time flies and in these times of hardship i'm chosing to look over my pie at my friends and laugh, or cry, or whatever the mood strikes...we're going to make it through toghether. woot for that!

a better world all around....

2009-08-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

have you ever noticed that a prevailing theme throughout all of history is to make this world a better place. not everyone is compassionate about that cause, and not everyone strives to make the world a better place. some people try to make it worse.

there are all sorts of theories as to how to make it better. be kind, volunteer, use less resources, give freely of what you have...it seems like it shouldn't be all that hard. except that i'm selfish. i don't want to give of 'my' time, or of 'my' things. i want to go home and be lazy. even today i had a whole day with nothing really to do and i chose to spend it on my couch reading, watching tv, and vegging out. i didn't do anything worth doing. yes, i enjoy some time to myself to relax and read or watch movies, to do nothing...but i can't help but think that it's a waste, pointless.

i have an aunt and uncle who live on a co-op, and a cousin that lives on a commune. i keep in touch with them and i know what they do. they work hard, they garden all day, make maple syrup the old fashioned way, build things with their hands, compost...my aunt and uncle actually built the house they live in from the ground up...i can't tell you the last time that i worked so hard that i slept soundly. they are simple...i envy them that. i'm really not simple, i can't live without my computer and cell phone for more than a couple of hours. i have a closet full of clothes and still i want more...sure i packed up three trash bags of old clothes to give away and like 20 pairs of shoes....but compared to what i still have it's nothing. i turn the tv on everyday. my aunt makes me a homemade card for every holiday....i can't remember the last time i made something. they grow crops to share. the go to dance parties (contra dancing, like line or square dancing), make quilts, go swimming, hiking, snow shoeing...they spend time with the people that mean the most to them, they give freely and lovingly...

i want to be more like that. to give what i have, and maybe sometimes even the last of what i have....to spend time with the people that i care about, to do things that make a difference. to give more, and to be less selfish. to work hard and be kind. to love unceasingly and not judge...now if only it were as easy as just wanting to live like that....

just ahead

2009-07-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I love Calvin and Hobbes, they have some of the best quotes ever; funny, witty, and at times deep. I was just thinking today that i spend a good portion of my life looking forward to what's coming. My hubby and i are going on vacation, and my birthday is coming up and i've been excited about it since we bought the tickets. before this week i was excited about the new Harry Potter movie.

then this evening it started raining...i love rain. the wind started blowing, then came the sand (because we live in the desert), and then came the rain. i just watched it all move in, breathing in the smell. then i went back in and went back to my life, trying to make up a list of what i need to accomplish before vacation, deciding on what to do for the rest of the night, debating on getting my elbow checked out cuz i think it might be psoriasis and it itches like crazy!...i forgot all about the peace that came with watching the rain move in.

i'm looking forward to vacation because it's a chance to just enjoy where i am.

Rules for Calling Shotgun

2009-06-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

The term "Shotgun" refers to the front passenger seat of an automobile. "Calling Shotgun" is the act of claiming the position of Shotgun for one's self. As this position is the most coveted of all positions when riding in a car, the following list of rules has been created to ensure that Shotgun can be acquired in a fair and equitable manner by any passenger of an automobile.
The history of calling "Shotgun" goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.
Defending against bandits is no longer the priority of Shotgun however, but it has evolved into a pre-driving ritual that is experienced before almost every car ride across America and even the world. Because of the obvious evolution that has already occurred with Shotgun, we ask you to consider Shotgun as a living entity and be aware that it is always changing for the better good of society.

1. The Shot gunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car.
2. If you are the first to be picked up on a journey, you are automatically given shotgun, until you violate the other shotgun laws and thus, forfeit your position, the seat is yours.
3. you cannot declare shot gun if someone has previously declared shotgun for that journey.
4. When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from the all the people who called.
5. Shotgun cannot be called whilst inside a building (unless you are in a multi story or underground car park!).
6. Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only whilst on the way to the car for the journey.
7. On the call shotgun if the driver wants to mix things up a bit he can call reload, this means that all calls of shotgun before that are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat... and if u plain don't like the person who called shotgun. This is often used when there is a simultaneous call and the driver is unsure of the outcome, also a shotgun can have 2 barrels so a reload can only be called once.
8. If a person calls shotgun and someone else really wants it they may challenge it. This is done by dropping the pants around the ankles and saying "I challenge you." If the person doesn't accept the challenge they forfeit their shotgun to the challenger. If they accept the challenge they also drop their pants to their ankles. Then they race to the car with their pants around their ankles and the first to touch the car receives shotgun.
9. Once shotgun has been called for the front seat then back left and back right can be called, thus leaving the fifth person who is travelling in the middle (or the "bitch" seat).
10. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat!
11. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
12. Once the journey is underway, the driver is the obvious controller of the tunes. However if they feel the road needs their full concentration, or they simply cannot be arsed any more, duty is passed to the shot gunner. however putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence when the ipod finishes a song or ANY instances of TAKE THAT will result in demotion to bitch seat.
13. Shoe Rule, anyone calling shotgun must have their shoes on, this is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on, thus slowing the journey.
14. Shotgun overrules Dibs, Baggsy's and and other girly calls!
15. despite the debate, shotgun can be used to shotgun things other than the front seat (ie. back left, back right, women, not going to answer the door etc etc etc).
16. If travelling with a couple, one of the couple must shotgun the front.....no one wants to chauffeur two of their mates whilst they are sat in the back all over each other.
17. If someone has successfully called shotgun, this gives them no right whatsoever to correct the driver on their navigation skills ("take a left here you dickhead!") or driving ability ("I'd be in third gear if i was driving") if the passenger does this then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder.
18. if someone says "whats shotgun?" after it has been called then they have to walk
19. If you come up to the car and you already have who's shotgun..the driver gets in and reaches over to unlock the shotgun door. if shotgun opens it before its actually unlocked..(this happens when the driver is still trying to unlock it and person pulls on handle) they have to give up there rights as shotgun. Therefore..shotgun suicide!
20. The successful shot gunner, in the front of a vehicle, assumes the responsibility for all gate opening, off licence nipping into, takeaway ordering and question asking. He/she is, in essence the co-pilot and therefore the enforcer of behaviour in the vehicle and exacter of slaps/punches/water spraying/bag throwing at the passengers in the back.
21. automatic "couple's rights act 1997". This is that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, they have the right to the seat of their choice.
22. The Pirate Rule - If One of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the occurrence of more than one pirate then a sword fight shall determine the successful shot gunner.
23. When driving past a woman walking a dog, everyone in the car must shout out the window "who's walking who", it is the shot gunners responsibility and failure to spot a potential heckling results in demotion to the bitch seat!
24. the person in shot gun must provide sufficient leg room to the person behind them but only to the point where the shot gunner is still comfortable.
25. The shot gunner must hold the toll ticket (he/she must not put it to the side because it falls under the seat, putting it under the car visor or in the glove compartment is ok.) The shot gunner must also find change when coming upon a toll booth.
26. When a car is going through a drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, the person next to the driver must hold all of the food items/drinks, no matter how hot or cold, until the vehicle is safely out of the drive-thru path. Then they must distribute the items to their owners.
-taken from the Facebook group The Official Rules For Calling Shotgun

dad's day!

2009-06-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

I have the best Daddy in the world! i'm a little biased to be sure, but i wouldn't trade him in for anything in the world. when i was a kid there was nothing more that i wanted than to be with him. he could do anything, he knew every answer (and i had about a billion of them), he always made me laugh...i think the best part about it is that as i've grown up not much has changed! daddy can still do anything, he still knows every answer (and i still have billions) and he still makes me laugh all the time. God blessed me with a wonderful dad (and mom) and i will never be able to repay the care that they've given me.

the great big beyond....

2009-06-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room, I am I and you are you; Whatever we were to each other, That we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak to me in the easy way which you always used, Put no difference in your tone, Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we shared together. Let my name ever be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant, It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well.
-Henry Scott Holland

I am so selfish...Bob was well along in years, he was in pain. it was time for him to go and be with his Father, and the daughter he lost. yet here i sit thinking how Price Chapel won't ever be the same without him...without the hug and the crack about the heat of the desert that i love. i wish i could stop being so selfish, that i could just be happy for Bob, and rejoice in the fact that he is at peace in heaven.

2009-05-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

"humans aren't perfect, yet we expect perfection from each other, silly. seems a waste of precious time. maybe perfect is not a result of flawlessness, but rather a state of openness. if i declare my flaws to others and ask for help, and if others would suspend harsh judgment and criticism long enough to give it there would be no need for secrests. we call that growth, maturity, honesty, character...life." -Tim Secord, Rants and Ramblings

this past week i have been very grumpy, and in that i have been judgemental. quick to snap at the little things, and irritated about things that probably mean nothing. i've expected perfection, i'd like to think that i've caught myself this week, and not said anything that would give away my thoughts; but it doesn't really matter. i still got irritated, and i was still mean in my heart.

unlike most people, i don't have a brain-mouth filter; i typically say what i'm thinking. when i was little it got me in a lot of trouble, which i totally didn't understand. i was telling the truth, what could be so wrong with that? as i've grown up i've realized that saying everything you think can hurt people's feelings...but mostly i've grown to see that ppl don't appreciate the honesty. they like the lie.

i like to think that i'm an open person, i may not spill my guts to every person on the street, but my friends know what's going on with me. i live my life by a certain code, and my friend put it into words better than i ever could:

'i refuse to condemn, judege, divide, separate, distance, or insult. we may not agree, or live the same way, but there's this thing called loyalty and you've got mine. i don't promise to never give you flak for your decisions, but i do promise to always support your right to make them. i'll always listen to you. with me you can always have your say. please don't stop talking.' -Crystal

embracing the change

2009-05-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." -Gilda Radner

this past week has been rough! I'm having a hard time with my perspective, the pain in my hands, that normally wouldn't even phase me, has floored me this week. it's so frustrating to me that i can't just get my thoughts to go back to the way they were...but there is no way to go back. previously the pain was bearable because it wasn't forever. there was still this hope that some doctor somewhere would have an answer that would take the pain away. i really did want a perfect ending, i always want the perfect, fairy tale ending.

the past couple of days though God has given me a small amount of hope...now I'm not very good with subtlety. i really do need it spelled out in neon letters that are the size of a mountain! but I've also learned that when God says something more than once that you should pay attention, and God's been reminding me that sometimes you have to wait. that maybe I've given up too quickly. I'm cautious about getting my hopes up again, because it's really hard when it doesn't pan out...but i need something to hold on to. so I'll hold on to the possibility of a different hope, if not more of the same hope. it's still unsure, and i dislike the not knowing, the not being in control, but control is an illusion anway and God knows the big picture. i don't need to see it, no matter how much i want to...i'll put my trust in Him and let Him work in me, and wait on His timing!

till we have faces

2009-05-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

"The complaint was the answer. To have heard myself making it was to be answered. Lightly men talk of saying what they mean. Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the Fox would say, 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words.' A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about joy of words. i saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"

C.S. Lewis wrote the book this quote came from...there's something about it that just hits me. The woman Orual feels that she's been wronged by the gods...they took from her what she most loved. her sister Psyche. the thing is...she never really loved Psyche at all, she only loved that Psyche loved her. i read this book in for a college lit class and this truth hit me like a rock.

Orual set out to prove that she'd been unjustly punished by the gods. that she had never done anything to deserve the horrible things that they had set upon her. that she had lover her young step sister with everything in her. She had been saying the same things all her life, none of the words changed. it was her perspective that finally changed. she found what she hadn't been looking for, she found something better, not beauty, but herself. she saw that she really had wanted the best for Psyche, as long as it was best for her, for Orual. that she loved Psyche because Psyche loved her.

because we all want to be loved by someone. to mean something to someone, to know that we will be missed when we are gone. to belong to someone, something tangible and real and messy. to know that someone else has our back, that they will be there, no matter what. that they love us, always forever.

SIDE NOTE-i was floored again a few weeks ago when i was watching Labyrinth with my favorite 6 year old. The goblin king Jareth (david bowie in very tight pants) took Toby from his big-step sister Sarah. and somewhere before the song "the babe with the power" my little friend looked at me and said "you know jamie, he doesn't really want that baby. he just wants sarah to love him." can we say open mouth-hope you're sitting down-and not holding anything moment!! she kept on watching the movie like it wasn't unusual at all, and i had to remember how to breathe. How could a 6 year old (actually now that i'm thinking about it she was 5 at the time) possibly understand this truth that took me most of my life to understand. -END SIDE NOTE

okay, lets try door 2...

2009-05-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

a friend of mine told me that my perspective on the issues regarding my health is 'amazing!' and i have to admit that i am trying very hard to not be bitter about it all. I expected an outcome that i didn't get, and i said in a post (on xanga) that i felt like my hope was gone and that the light i had been seeing was only a flashlight put there so that i wouldn't see the wall. My uncle Darrin told me that he thought of a Metallica song that says "when it comes to feel like your seeing the light at the end of your tunnel, it just a freight train coming your way." and I'm starting to think that is a better description.

this quote above hit me today as i was reading through http://quotegarden.com/ trying to find a quote for my aunt. "the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning" ...it doesn't feel like a beginning. my soul feels like it was hit by a train, and this is most definitely the end of my hope, at least in regards to my hands ever getting better...i don't know, something is bugging me and i can't place it. it's just this feeling, a feeling that I've forgotten something very basic, and very important.

I've spent this week telling God, and myself, that He knows best. that He won't give me anything i can't handle, and this His burden is light. my head knows all of these things are true, but my heart is yelling in defiance! this burden feels very heavy to me, and even though i know i can handle all of this, i don't want to...

i also know that, even though i don't understand any of this, God is good, that i can praise Him for what He's given me and He's constantly reminding me of that. Little B said my name at the grocery store yesterday, he yelled it across the isles! God moved me to the desert that i love, with the heat that i dislike living without. He's blessed me with friends and family that love me. srsly what more could i possibly ask for?

i'm asking for peace, and i'm receiving it too.

5 smooth stones

2009-05-03T15:50:00.001-07:00

“I don’t dream of being a David anymore. Lord, just let me be a stone in the sling of David, used by You for Your glory. May I be faithful in the little things, the daily, and the seemingly trivial. that is where we make the difference.” -Tim Secord, Rants and Ramblings

i spent the morning running around, passing along observances and taking notes about things to fix later, answering questions, and smiling….at the end of the morning it all seemed very trivial…and yet it wasn’t. i know that there are more important things than being a David, and i’m quite content being a stone in His sling. Because the stone in David’s sling was crucial, and accomplished something that no one else could.